now that i’ve exposed the fact that my family has 24 cats, i can no longer sit back and pretend that 50% of the reasons i am a semi lunatic today has nothing to do with my parents.
let’s run through various reasons why we have 24 cats (RIP Teddy, Tigrrr, Chiqo *sob*):
1. we are genetically predisposed to a mental disease one might know as the Teddy Martyr Complex. we cannot help but rescue teddy-like creatures which are sick, dying, orphaned or all of the above. we’d take in stray mutts if they didn’t grow so big. if we had a palatial home with acres of land, we might even rescue the occasional elephant. seriously. we’re big on animal love.
2. people who were interested in adopting some of the rescued cats weren’t sincere. really. no, really. you know this when they ask “if anything goes wrong, can we give it back to you?” does God have a return policy on children? you pigs.
3. we cannot say “no”. people can say whatever they want about my father whose initials are not unlike those of Adolf Hitler, but deep inside, he’s a mush of gooey marshmallow. and my mom, she’s too nice. except when she employs the Disabling Method of Choice i.e. emotional blackmail. my brother is mostly indifferent after the initial “oh my god, he’s so cute!”. and i too, am a mush of gooey peanut butter jelly.
4. we like waking up to fish breath and caked fish drool on our cheeks.
5. we need to support 3M’s Lint Roller factory line.
6. secretly, we’d like to be cats. not just any cat. we’d like to be OUR cats. they get to eat gourmet canned food 2x a day on top of a ready supply of cat biscuits throughout the day. we understand that everyone likes a biscuit with tea once in a while. except when you’re a cat, you’d prefer Iams with toilet water. they also get to mainline catnip once a week. mass rolling on floor of the feline kind is, i’d imagine, one of the trippiest, out-of-this-world things a cat may experience. if they weren’t all sterilised, they might also practise free love and we’d be over-run by furballs.
7. we are sadists. we love the weekly bathing of the cats. from the click-clack of the bucket filled with 24 towels which sends all 24 cats running for cover to dragging protesting kuching bushuk (smelly cats) from hiding places you never knew existed.
8. they understand you. i know some of you don’t believe me, but you can go wank yerself, buster. try coming home upset and crying buckets on the edge of the bed. mischievous cats wouldn’t act up and just curl up on your lap till you’re ready to stop crying. and they remember you. if you don’t think so, go for a second round, buster. i haven’t been back for 10 months and they asked me to do things like play catch. this is special because nobody else in the house plays catch with them but me. and no, they do not come to you only when they are hungry. they are little people in luscious fur coats with an exotic accent.
9. you need to work it. if you piss a cat off, you need to coax her into your arms like an angry lover. if a cat is shy, you need to win her trust. and they aren’t very clingy. they seem to understand that balance is important. except when it comes to eating.
10. we prefer animals to human beings.
it used to be that the last thing i heard at night and the first thing i heard the next morning was a meow. or two. or 10. you’d forgive me if i’d occasionally believe i’m a cat.
sometimes Dino thinks he’s a dog. he likes to be walked around the garden.
Dodi never forgets to put on kohl every morning.
he aspires to be our guard dog but scampers like a pussy when the doorbell rings.
Lucky’s determined to prove to the other cats that you can sleep standing up.
i’m lying if i say i don’t have favourites. Niki’s my heart (eat that, Ravi!).
my first cat.
Phoebe on afternoon nap.
i love marble cake cats.
Rudy just being crude. we should buy him underpants.
Tito contemplating on life.
some serious neckin’ goin’ on here between Casper and Pepper.
check out the squint of delight on Casper.
and the horny tucked back ears on both of ’em.
cats are survivors, incest or not.
oh what i’d do so Ravi would allow me to keep two cats.