finally, finalleh, i fell asleep before the sun rose today. successfully, at 0130. 5 whole hours before i usually manage to doze off.
but i’d forgotten to lower the thermostat from 24°C to 18°C *.
so i woke up at least 3 times.
then got up to pee at 0615.
and when i threw myself into bed, i found my brain wide awake.
“what! how? what did i dooooooo? fuck.”
you know you can’t go back to sleep when you ask yourself, “what’s the difference between vanillin and extract of vanilla?”
and then i started psychoanalysing past failed friendships with self-serving people/whiners/wankers.
this is what i tell myself when i have uncontrollable thoughts like “you’re gonna/Ravi’s gonna/Mom’s gonna die if you don’t dry your wet hands now, now, now” after washing my hands. or some other random thought (that usually involves death, diseases and mutilation).
some people call this OCD, i call it madness and a half.
like as though you’re gonna/Ravi’s gonna/Mom’s gonna stay alive because you’ve successfully catapulted yourself towards the handcloth with a hop! skip! jump!, then sighed a whiff of illogical relief. like as though God accepts half-baked deals from his mentally incapacitated creations.
i’ve reduced the act of “balancing” myself by 95% now. as a healthy, bouncing little girl attending kindergarten, i had to, just MUST end walks (even if it was just from the kitchen table to the fridge) with my left foot next to my right, AFTER the right foot’s touched down, EXACTLY in line. and if that doesn’t feel “balanced” enough, i’d stomp my left foot down several times to feel “balanced”. if i didn’t successfully stomp out the imbalance, i’d make clicking sounds through my nasal passages. i did this with my shoulders, my fingers, everything, even my breathing.
so once you start thinking about vanilla, vanillin and villains, you know it’s over. you gotta get up already, cos no matter what, you ain’t going back to lalaland.
the differences between vanilla, natural vanilla flavour, vanilla – vanillin flavouring, imitation vanilla, cookie vanilla, exhausted vanilla, vanilla powder, ground vanilla beans, vanilla paste, vanilla oleoresin and vanilla paste.
once it starts, it doesn’t stop.
*back in Singapore**, my nipples would have frozen over at 18°C.
**no, Singapore is not in China, nowhere near China. unless you think Capetown’s in Paris or that Ushuaia’s in Tegucigalpa. if you do, please get off my blog and return only when you’ve ascertained where are all of Earth’s glorious continents are.