c*devotchka

having my Cake, eating it – and not counting every last calorie

pop this walkin blimp, please January 20, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — c*devotchka @ 11:29 pm
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– following post is not for those weak of stomach/constitution –

started out like any other day,

opened the fridge; hung the clothes; opened the fridge; daily poop; checked my mails; then holyfuckenshit, what is this killmekillmekillme unfuckenbelievable pain?!

happily chatting on MSN one moment, then seized with pain the next. like i’d suddenly ingested a mouthless Hello Kitty helium balloon that self-inflates and it was screaming to explode in my abdomen or crawl out through my navel, whiskers first.

and i hadn’t even eaten breakfast, i was just thinkin’ it. suddenly just thinking of breakfast made the pain worse.

i stood from the chair. at least i tried to, and found myself crouched towards the table squinting in pain, like transferrence of pain from bowels to eyelids actually works.

“do we need to poop, dali? yes, maybe that’s what we should do, poop.”

i groped my way to the bathroom to poop. what came out qualified more as a spurt of ambitious, airy poot! than a low, growling pooooop. to say i was disappointed is an understated understatement. i spent the next 3 iTunes songs on the potty and thought about how people die unglamorously on potties, how would they find me? half slumped over the tub next to the potty with my ass at a 45 degree angle to the toilet seat with pooooop hanging precariously close to an imminent 18cm drop?

i didn’t make it back to the mac, i grabbed my bathrobe and laid foetal on the couch and groaned. and groaned. and groaned. then i tried not to groan.

groaned. groaned. groaned.

i’ve had menstrual cramps only once or twice in my life, and the occasional steady stream of farts from overeating or lactose intolerance, but i’d never, ever woken up the next day with a cramp so tight i felt i’d break my back if i stood up straight, so debilitating i could only lay crouched on my side, croak, cry and groan. i couldn’t even stand up to boil water for the hot water bottle or look for my favourite Eagle Brand medicated oil. i called Ravi and asked that he come home for an hour.

what does he do the first thing he comes home? lifts my bathrobe and asks cheekily, “naked, eh?”

not surprising for someone who, the night before, refused to remove his hand from between my buttcheeks “because it’s warm”.

a hotwater bottle, some rubbed oil, 2 cookies and half an hour later, i could straighten my legs.

“come on, get up, let’s go to the doctor.”

“and tell him what? i think i have gas, but i don’t know, and it just won’t expel? i feel constipated but there’s nothing and the pain got worse after i pooped?”

“i think you overate last night.”

but i’m Dali bint Overeaden and i don’t get cramps from 1 1/2 plates of nasi lemak, 1/2 a plate of nasi goreng ikan bilis, 3 chicken wings, a large volume of sambal and 5 giant cookies. i’m made to withstand twice that much food and the guilt that needs to be washed down thereafter.

another half an hour and i told Ravi he could go back to the office, that i felt fine enough to stand bent over and do basic stuff like getting myself a glass of water and butter mints.

i didn’t feel like pooping but decided to sit on the potty 2 hours later, hoping a chair with a hole would do something, anything. i got my pooooop wish without trying but it hurt to high hell although they weren’t Jawbreakers or marbles. finally felt a lot better half an hour after that. looked through the Internet to understand abdominal/intestinal gas and to find out if that was what i was suffering from.

but what do i find instead?

that some shipments (into USA) of my favourite Eagle Brand medicated oil were halted because they contained 12% chloroform. chloroform, that which is used in some refrigerants, that which causes birth defects, that which causes abnormal sperm, that which causes Sudden Sniffer Death (very disconcerting considering the fact that we love sniffing our medicated oils) and that which is a known carcinogen.

also that which 80s kidnapping movies portray to be The Chemical of Choice to knock potential victims out cold.

0.12%, i might shut an eye, 1.12%, i still might but 12% of an entire bottle? and worse, if you connect some dots, are possibly produced by the original company in Singapore?

does this happen in Singapore? can something like this happen in Singapore?

i look at the back of my Eagle bottle and notice that it only states Active Ingredients as Menthol 28.5%, Methyl Salicylate 18.6%, Eucalyptus Oil 1.56%.

what happened to the other 51.34%, not very active are they? eucalyptus 1.56% mentioned, chloroform 12% not mentioned, poor thing.

Ravi casually mentioned that he had swallowed quite a lot of Axe oil as a child because it was yummy (he still drinks Gripe Water today). part of me wanted to scream “now i know whyyyyy” or “did you also drink the rat poison?”, even a potentially dangerous “where was your mother?!” but instead, i only managed “ARE YOU CRAZY? DOESN’T EXTERNAL USE MEAN DO NOT SWALLOW?”

and then he suggested “i have to send you to my mom, to toughen you up. we had biawak curry as kids.”

!

what was that again? biawak? did my husband just say kari beeee-aaaah-waaahk?

“doesn’t biawak mean … large lizard?”

“yeah, we used to catch them and my mom made curry.”

!

suddenly, Suddenly Sniffing (Chloroform Dali) didn’t sound as bad. but that doesn’t mean i’m not gonna send a mail to HSA and ask if Eagle oil found in Singapore is safer than the ‘foreign imports’ FDA mentioned.

why are there different formulations for different countries? is it OK to kill foreigners slowly but surely through hours of pleasurable inhalation (compounded by their aluminium pots and pans, obesity issues, stress related disorders, environmental carcinogens)?

i cannot pretend to know my chemicals (though at one point of time, i did memorise the table of elements because who can resist words like ferrum and plumbum?) or understand what Active Ingredients mean, but i’d like to know.

Active Ingredients: ingredients which directly bring on intended soothing effects or, Active Ingredients: the safer stuff you’d be more comfortable knowing about.

my mom, my grandparents, they’ve used Eagle for generations, and they’ve used it liberally. Mom and Nana are still alive and that’s why three days later, i am still using Eagle. it’s the one medicated oil that doesn’t make you smell like a walking Eucalyptus Tree or a SinSeh with ground ginseng powder in his armpits. it’s a good decongestant and smells good on your skin (because of the rose oil, i reckon) after the rubbing oil effects pass. i’m feeling better now, but i still have some discomfort which i’m sure some drops of Eagle Brand medicated oil, a few cookies, lots of water and mandarin oranges can soothe.

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4 Responses to “pop this walkin blimp, please”

  1. thegrouch Says:

    naked, eh?
    hahahaa…oh ravi.

  2. dali Says:

    ya lor … hahahaha!

  3. goody Says:

    i feel your pain. its the worst huh? when u feel like you have to go, but can’t, and then wonder if you ever really had to go in the first place. i actually visited the doc’s for pain in my tummy and he pressed it and declared it to be wind! gave magnesium to facilitate farting!! gross man!

  4. dali Says:

    the question now is, where did the wind come from?! when you have residual ache/discomfort days after that, you know for sure it’s food poisoning. i just can’t remember what i ate other than homecooked food and Ravi sure didn’t get sick!


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