you know you have a major case of insomnia when you lie in bed, tightly bound by your spouse’s arms and can only go “fuck, i forgot (to switch it off)” when you hear your mac announce loudly from the living room “it’s two a.m.” in a waspy voice – instead of jumping out of bed screaming “WHO DAT? WHO DAT?” in shock and horror. and this, 40 minutes after you’ve gone to bed.
yes, macs have the abovementioned feature for psycho loners in need of a soothing human voice to check up on them every hour to show them that iCare. if you’re really lonely, the voice checks up on you every 15 minutes. and if you’re jaded by your fellow human beings, you can select the cyber voice that sounds like E.T.’s home.
and you know you have it bad when you get out of bed and gravitate towards that voice and surf the net for english translations to your stupid oven manual (spanish – why, oh, why did i take up deutsch?) instead of drifting off to sleep and dreaming of Queen Nefertiti and her bounteous tits.
things they say help you sleep
- warm milk – only serves to overwhelm Ravi with a symphony of farts.
- reading – if i’m lucky enough to focus longer than 5 minutes, i get excited and read till sunrise.
- music – provides a fantastic platform for singalongs like i’m at a karaoke joint.
- sex – there must be a law protecting spent husbands.
- not thinking – thinking about not thinking is enough thinking on its own.
i even made believe that the distant sound of cars zipping down the highway is really, the sound of waves crashing on the beach. i’m just not psycho enough to believe that.
i tried not to think, then i found myself thinking of ways to help local Emiratis recycle better and cut down waste.
apparently caffeinated drinks don’t help – but i’m gonna make myself a cup of Lipton tea, dip two Hit biscuits in, and patiently wait for that soothing voice to announce “it’s three a.m.”